Groom’s Thoughts on Catholic Engaged Encounter

I had (and I think Liz and I both had) a fulfilling weekend going through the Catholic Engaged Encounter program (CEE).

CEE is 44 hours of marriage preparation. By topic, the program consists of three items – including communication, the marriage relationship, and the Sacrament.

Liz and I worked through several important things. For example, we developed an understanding of how to apply an open and fair decision-making process (and one that incorporates our values) to issues we’ll face as a married couple such as deciding on career paths, combining families, raising children, and purchasing a home.

We also identified specific issues that we can work on individually so we can mesh better as a couple (or as a unit in the words of the CEE presenters).

What was most meaningful to me was an important realization for me about an issue that we had previously identified, but had difficulty working through. Sometimes I have difficulty expressing my thoughts or feelings to Liz. It goes without saying that communication is an important part of any relationship, but especially in the couple relationship.

As an introvert, I need time to think on my own, to let things work themselves out in my mind. As an extrovert, Liz resolves issues by talking them out with people. Given these differences in thinking process, part of the lack of communication issue can be helped by Liz giving me time and enough space to let me form my thoughts on my own.

But also I need to make an effort to get past my reticence to open up. While this is something I have known for some time, what struck me as a new, important realization is that I have a safe space with Liz.

Expression of feelings and thoughts can make me vulnerable, but I know Liz is always of accepting of me, good and bad. This really hit home during my dialogue with Liz this weekend. This wonderful, beautiful realization will help me overcome barriers to opening myself up to Liz.

Catholic Engagement Encounter--Her Side

I was nervous entering Catholic Engagement Encounter because 1) my fiance is not Catholic and he is very critical of religious institutions but also very open-minded and 2) my own weariness of religious emotional manipulation and anti-gay messages. This was a requirement for our marriage preparation but we are both open to deepening our relationship and opening more lines of communication.

What we got was real talk (not the McCain kind) from married couples and the opportunity to hear and meet from other engaged couples from all walks of life. There was about 30 couples there from all over Southern California. I guess there are normally smaller groups but we had what one particpant called "orphans" from a retreat that was cancelled in Santa Barbara because of the fires. Regardless, I was hopeful when I saw so many couples and many that were Asian, Latino and Black.

Although some parts were a little preachy towards the end, it was mostly a time where Eugene and I had exercises to get us talking and using very good communication and life partnering tools.

There were also two couples, one was married 47 years and the other 9 years, who really poured their hearts out telling us their ups and downs in all areas of their marriage. First, the stuff they said was so open and honest that I was either crying or laughing most of the time or both! I could really relate to many of their personal stories dealing with their family backgrounds or fears that they had. I really felt that they were courageous in sharing the issues and walls that they are working on breaking down consciously.

The best part for me was that Eugene and I got to spend time together forced away from computers, tv's, cell phones, work, wedding planning and other distractions. As one other participant said "in all the years we've been together I was hearing but I wasn't listening." I pride myself in being a good listener. I mean, it is my job... but I realized that I was only listening and taking in what I wanted to hear. I really was able to listen to Eugene and he was really able to open up. We were also able to take time to concretely express our love and hurt toward each other.

The best part though is that we received very simple tools to use throughout our relationship that have to do with decision-making, forgiveness and arguing that hopefully we'll use forever.

Overall, great experience because it was mostly about Eugene and us. My favorite topic :)

I think that if you're Catholic or a fallen Catholic this will be really easy to accept but Eugene wil be posting on his perspective soon in a guest blog... so he can give you the non-Catholic scope.

Our Letter Press Saint

Another blessing to be counted... our friend Cristiana! Not only is she an amazing poet and book maker... she is designing and letter pressing our invitations! Saint I tell ya!

Check out some of her poetry at http://bluehourpress.blogspot.com/

I really love letter press. Its one of those crafts that I hope to learn one day. Its one of those things that never goes out of fashion. It can be old and modern but to feel the letterpress it makes me think of all the artisans in the past. Maybe if Cristiana buys a letter press when she is in LA, she can teach me.

I didn't think that we could afford letter pressing because it tends to be very expensive but we're able to have beautiful invites because of the love, sweat and creativity of Cristiana. I am so thankful.

I will post the final invites after they're sent out... so I won't spoil them for our guests who also read this blog.

Our Photographer--Caroline Tran

We wanted you who follow the blog to meet our photographer, Caroline Tran. She is very talented and when we met her, she felt like one of our old friends! You all will see her and her husband snapping photos at our Pae Baek and Catholic Wedding.

This is her below riding a bride's bike after an engagement shoot. She also does great maternity, family and children's photos. Check her out at www.carolinetran.net and you should take the link to her blog. Amazing!

I love this photo. I love dichotomies...stillness... movement. I should write a haiku (special haiku shout out to Mari)!

I imagine that this is what my big fat Korean wedding will be like.

I love hip hop and graffiti art and Los Angeles! If it fit in with our theme, I would have a live graffiti wall... but don't think that would go over well with our formal setting. Will save that for another event.

I love how Caroline captured this little girls helpfulness and confusion. She is so cute! I hope she didn't burn herself!

I think that father's crying are some of the best moments of a wedding. When I see anyone cry let alone a parent, I definitely start crying too. Let it all out Dads!

This little naked baby photo is so cute! This is such a great modern take on the Korean cultural tradition of taking naked photos of babies. Its so cute and tasteful.

Caroline is so great and I am excited to have her as part of my overall wedding experience! I feel very appreciative that such talented and amazing people will be a part of our celebration.

Karin and Jeff's Wedding

Karin and Jeff were married this past December. They're such great people independently and together even more so. Their wedding was at a cute little gallery in Alhambra, CA called Nucleus. All their photographs were taken by Shu-Jon Mao.
They had a non-traditional ceremony which included a poem written for the couple by their friend.

Jeff is Japanese American and part of the ceremony included a Japanese Sake Ceremony. I didn't realize how much sake they had to drink! I believe it was 3 sips/shots seperately and 3 in a shared cup... thats 9 total! I wonder if the Korean Pae Baek includes that much sippin'.

There were cute little paper flowers on branches placed into jars the couple collected. It matched the minimal but warm decor and vibe of the wedding.

The food was delicious too! Catered by local activists turned caterers, Good Girl Foods (www.goodgirlfoods.com).

Karin and Jeff posted photos of their relationship, family and friends alongside art along the walls of the gallery.

It was so cute! When we walked into Nucleus Gallery in Alhambra, CA... we saw this sign.

Karin and Jeff are both amazing people who work for social justice. Karin actually works with Eugene at the Asian Pacific American Legal Center and is on the board of API Equality LA. They both look so joyful in this picture like they're dancing toward a happy future.

I like how this photo really captures the moment. I know we all feel uncomfortable being photographed (most of us anyways) but you can't beat the way they are looking at each other. That had to be captured.

My fiance loves legos!

For any of you who know Eugene, you know that Legos are a passion of his. He has become at Master Lego Architect since we've started dating! I will have to post some of his work later but I thought it would be fun to show you all some other weddings that feature legos.

Many brides and grooms have used legos as cake toppers and one couple had a whole lego wedding! They even had a short film about how the met made out of legos. Those graphic designer brides and grooms are really creative!

The lego design master who created the wedding cake above got so many requests, he's stopped making wedding-related lego designs. Who knew?

I would like to use some lego elements to incorporate my fiance's passion and artistry... but our guests will have to wait and see.

Pae Baek: Korean Wedding Ceremony

Eugene and I have decided to incorporate the traditional Korean wedding ceremony called Pae Baek. Most modern couples choose to squeeze it in between their civil or religious wedding and the reception but Eugene and I decided to share the ceremony with our close friends and family at the Rehearsal Dinner.

We're both trying to read up and Wikipedia the customs for the ceremony so that we can make it our own. Jung Hee Lee, who I met when I was working at the Korean Immigrant Workers Advocates (KIWA) and is like an older sister to me is helping me put together the Pae Baek. We are trying to incorporate as many symbols of social justice in our Catholic wedding as well as the Pae Baek such as the symbolic food and objects placed on the ceremony table.

Here is some information I found:

TRADITIONAL DRESS:

(From Rituals of Bliss)

The two dresses worn by the bride were once the costume of the noble class.
The simple lime-green wonsam and the more elaborate hwarrot, or "flower robe,"
are embroidered with flowers and butterflies. Underneath, she wears the hanbok,
the doll-like traditional dress of Korea. On the bride's head is a black cap
studded with gems. On her feet are white socks and embroidered shoes. Her makeup
is simple, except for three red circles, yonji konji, the size of nickels. These
circles, traditionally made of red peppers, but now often drawn on, are supposed
to ward off evil spirits. The groom's faruotsu is also the dress of the
nobility. It is made of dark green damask with auspicious symbols woven in gold.
The headdress is the tall black cap of high-ranking officials made of silk.

THE CEREMONY

Traditionally, the groom would give a live goose--a symbol of fidelity
because it takes only one partner in its life--to his new mother-in-law as a
sign of his faithfulness to her daughter. Today's Korean families substitute the
live goose with a wooden one called a kirogi. The ceremony takes place around a
table, or teresan, in an area set off by a screen with images of peonies. The
highlight of the ceremony is the sharing of a special white wine called jung
jong. Traditionally, this wine was poured into cups made from two halves of a
gourd grown by the bride's mother. The bride and groom sip from their separate
cups and then the wine is mixed together, poured once more into the gourd cups
and sipped again. This is kunbere, the wedding vow. One ritual often seen at
Korean American weddings is the peh beck ceremony. At this ceremony, usually
only attended by family and close friends, the new wife offers her new in-laws
gifts of dried dates and jujubes, symbols of children. They in turn offer her
tea, a subtle but significant gift. At the ceremony's conclusion, they toss the
dates and chestnuts at the bride, and she tries to catch them in her large
skirt.

I think that I am going to make my mom start growing a gourd :P

I've always wanted to do the Korean engagement ritual but Eugene doesn't like the idea of the squid.

Gifts are an important part of an engagement. Traditionally, gifts from the
groom's side would be delivered on the eve of the wedding day. With faces
blackened with dried squid's ink and in costume, friends of the groom would
parade a box, or hahm, filled with gifts. As they approached the bride's house,
they would chant, "Hahm for sale, buy a hahm." Her family would rush out to
greet the gift-bearers, enticing them with money and food.